How Do I Move Forward with Divorce?

If you have thought it through and have ultimately decided that divorce is the best path forward for your family and your future, then you will soon have many decisions to make as you pursue this decision.  From telling your spouse and children to choosing an attorney and gathering important documents that will be necessary as your case proceeds, planning ahead is important.  While planning ahead will certainly not make your divorce proceedings stress-free, it will go a long way toward making them less stressful than they would otherwise be.  Planning ahead helps to you feel and be more prepared in many life situations, and divorce is no different.

BREAKING THE NEWS: TELLING YOUR SPOUSE AND CHILDREN

Telling Your Spouse

It goes without saying that there is no “easy” way to tell your spouse that you want a divorce – but there are certainly some ways to approach this conversation to make it better than it otherwise might be. First, it should be said that prior to having this conversation with your spouse, you should be very certain that it is a conversation you want to have. Sometimes, without truly thinking it through, one spouse might tell the other that they want a divorce as a way of getting their attention, or persuading their spouse to do something, or to stop doing something.  We would caution against this. It is harmful to your relationship if it is not what you truly want, and it may also damage your credibility in the future, when you truly do feel that divorce is the best option.
Once you have officially made the decision to proceed with divorce however, and you are certain that it is what you want, it is worth making every effort to ensure that a conversation which has the potential to be very uncomfortable and painful goes as smoothly as it possibly can.  Of course, every relationship, and every set of circumstances leading up to this conversation will be unique.  Ultimately, you know your spouse best, as well as the best time, place, and manner in which to have this conversation. Keeping that in mind, here are some helpful guidelines for making a difficult conversation slightly less so:

• Choose a good time and place to have the conversation: As with so many things in life, timing is important.  This is certainly true when having a conversation with your spouse about divorce. While there is certainly never an ideal time to tell your spouse that you want a divorce, making every effort to choose the appropriate time and place to have a conversation of this nature will likely make a significant difference in how the conversation ultimately goes. If you have children, it would be helpful to make arrangements for them to stay with a relative or a friend, so that you can have the conversation without interruptions. Choose a low-stress time to have the conversation – certainly, try to avoid choosing a time when your spouse is already upset or stressed out about something else. It is also important to make sure that you allow enough time to talk things through as thoroughly as you need to – it might take much longer than you expect it to.  Don’t begin the conversation at a time when you know you’ll have to hurry off to do something else.  You want to allow your spouse plenty of time to process the conversation and to address his or her feelings.

• Be gentle, but firm: It only makes sense that the tone you take at the beginning of the conversation will likely play an important role in shaping how the conversation ultimately goes.  If you begin the conversation in frustration, or if you are angry or blaming toward your spouse, your spouse will likely respond in kind.  On the other hand, if you are able to be firm about your decision, but kind in the way that you deliver it, your spouse will likely respond in a calmer fashion as well.  Be direct, and honest about your reasons for wanting the divorce, but also be compassionate.  Make every effort to imagine yourself in your spouse’s position. Doing so will go a long way in helping to deliver the news in the most non-confrontational way possible.

• Be prepared for and accepting of your spouse’s reaction: Though you may have been contemplating divorce for some time, your spouse might not have been.  In fact, the news might very well take your spouse completely off-guard.  If this is the case, your spouse may understandably become very emotional and upset.  Try to be understanding of these feelings and allow your spouse ample time and space to express them.  Try not to respond with anger or argument, but instead to be compassionate and understanding of the feelings your spouse may be experiencing.

• Ensure your safety:  If you feel that there is any chance at all that your spouse might become angry to the point of becoming violent upon hearing that you want a divorce, avoid telling your spouse at home where you could possibly be harmed.  Instead, consider telling your spouse in front of a therapist, or in a public place where you will be safe.  In the same vein, consider finding an alternative place to stay where you feel you will be safe after telling your spouse if you feel that you may be at risk.  Your safety and that of your children should always come first.

• Seek outside help if needed: It is understandable that after you’ve discussed and agreed upon divorce, both you and your spouse may be experiencing a wide range of emotions.  Often, that can make it difficult to communicate cooperatively with one another and to move forward in a peaceful way.  If you are experiencing communication difficulties, it may be helpful to seek the advice of a qualified counselor or therapist who can help the two of you work through these problems.  This can be particularly helpful if you have children, and you know that you will need to be communicating often in the future to work toward their best interests together.

While you will not entirely eliminate any emotional stress during a divorce conversation by taking these steps, they will make a difference in the overall tone of the conversation, and should help to make a painful situation more manageable for you, and for your spouse.  After telling your spouse, the two of you will want to decide, together, when and how it is best to tell your children.

Telling Your Children About Divorce

While divorce is certainly difficult for everyone, perhaps one of the hardest aspects is worrying about how it might affect your children.  Without question, a certain amount of pain and heartache is inevitable – any time that a family splits apart, this will be the case.  However, how you handle these matters with your children – both in the way that you talk to and interact with them, and in the way that you choose to interact with your spouse in the future – can make a significant difference in whether the overall impact of the divorce is negative or positive.

With that in mind, you and your spouse will of course need to decide together how you plan to approach the first conversation with your children when you tell them about your decision to divorce.  Of course, each family is unique.  You know your own children best, and are in the best position to determine how to break the news to them in a way that will be as emotionally healthy as possible.  Some guidelines to consider when doing so include:

• Timing is key: Without question, if you and your spouse are only still in the stages of contemplating divorce, it is best to keep it to yourselves until you have made a definite decision.  Uncertain circumstances are difficult for children, and living in limbo regarding a decision of that significance would be very difficult.  It is better to wait until you are sure that divorce is the best option for your family before initiating the conversation.

• Make sure everyone is present: It is usually best to tell your children when they are all together, and when both parents can be present as well. Even though you are divorcing, it is helpful and reassuring for your children to see that you can still cooperate and communicate in an amicable way with your spouse, and that the two of you can work together towards their best interests.  It also avoids the risk of one child telling the others before you do, and it gives the children the opportunity that they will need to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with both parents at once.

• Allow them time and room to express their feelings: Understandably, your children may experience any number of emotions upon hearing the news that their parents plan to divorce.  Some children may feel grief, others anger, or frustration, or confusion.  Still others may blame themselves, feeling as if they must have done something to cause their parents to want to divorce.  It is, of course important to reassure your children that the divorce was your decision entirely, and that nothing they did or didn’t do contributed to it. It is also important to acknowledge the validity of your children’s feelings – to let them know that whatever they feel is okay, and acceptable, and normal.  It is important to reassure them that both parents will be there for them during this time, and will help them to work through their feelings, whatever they may be.

• Answer questions, but spare the details: Many children will also have a number of questions upon hearing that their parents have decided to divorce.  This, too, is understandable. They will likely want to know why you are getting divorced – and in this case, it is best to answer broadly, without getting into the particular details of why you made the decision.  Often, the complex reasons behind a divorce are too mature for children to process in a healthy way, and less information on that front is better. In other cases, children may have more logistical questions – questions like, “Will I still be able to attend the same school?” or “Will we get to stay in our house?” or “Who will I spend Christmas with?”  All of these questions are reasonable and normal, and it is important to do your best to answer them, and to let your children know that whatever questions they may have in the future will be answered too.

• Tell your children prior to your actual separation: If possible, it is best to tell your children about your divorce prior to the time that one parent moves out of the house.  Certainly, this is not always possible, but it is ideal.  It would be unsettling for anyone to wake up one day and realize that one member of their family no longer lived in the home – it is no different for children.  This gives the children extra time to process the news and to anticipate the changes that are ahead.

• Tell your children’s teachers and other important figures as well: It can be a wise decision to tell your children’s teachers, coaches, or other important figures in their lives about the divorce as well.  Doing so gives those important people the opportunity to help you look out for your children’s best interests, to understand why your children may be more emotional than usual, and to notify you if any troubling behavioral changes are noticed.

• Make sure they know they are loved: Above all, it is important to reassure your children that even though your marriage may be ending, your family is not.  It is important for them to know that regardless of whether you and your spouse are married or not, you will always love them, and work together for their good.  Reassuring your children of this as often as possible will make an important difference in how they process and react to the divorce in the long run.

While telling your children about your divorce will certainly not be easy, the manner in which you do so is very important.  Take the time necessary to have a thorough conversation, and put ample thought into that conversation beforehand.  Stay calm, and make sure that both parents stay on the same page and remain committed to putting their emotional issues aside for the sake of their children’s well-being during this time. Doing so will make the divorce process easier for your entire family.

If you need to speak with an experienced Huntersville family law attorney, contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

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