Helping My Child Cope with Divorce

For many of us, our children are the most important parts of our lives. Certainly, as we attempt to navigate all of the issues that come with divorce, not only child supportand child custodybut even the way we divide our property or decide whether or not to relocate for our job – our children are at the forefront of our minds. Though many things may change following a divorce, this is not one of them. Especially following the divorce, many parents are worried about their children-worried about how they will handle the transition from one home to two, and how they will deal with the complex emotions they may have. This is an understandable concern-and the truth is that unfortunately there is nothing you can do to entirely take away the pain of divorce for your children. The good news, however, is that there are things that you can do to help your children navigate this often difficult and emotionally confusing time, and come out healthy and happy on the other side:

• Make sure to make time for fun: This sounds like obvious advice, but it is unfortunately something that can easily be overlooked in the busyness of your day-to-day routine. Making time to have fun with your children is so important now. Think about the things that your children really enjoy doing-what makes them excited? What makes them laugh? What might they look forward to? Then deliberately set aside time in your schedule to do those things together. This will not only show your children how important they are to you, it will also be a much-needed time for all of you to destress and simply enjoy being together. Sometimes, laughter truly is the best medicine. Make time for fun regularly.

• Let them know that whatever they are feeling is normal: Even though children are young, they are often very aware. Children can often sense when their parents are stressed and overwhelmed. In those times, children may be reluctant to fully express their own feelings-worried that they may add to the stress their parent already feels. Make sure that you convey to your children that you are always there to listen to them and to help them process whatever feelings they may be experiencing. Moreover, make sure that you make the effort to let your children know that all feelings are normal. In many cases, your children will understandably feel sad or angry about the divorce. In other cases, however, some children may actually feel excited-particularly younger children. After overcoming their initial sadness, younger children often find themselves feeling some measure of excitement about things like having two birthday parties or two Christmases, or getting to celebrate other holidays multiple times. If your child feels this way, let he or she know that it is okay to feel that way too. Perhaps your child feels excited to spend time with your ex-spouse – on occasion, your child may enjoy being at your ex-spouse’s home more than being at yours. Make every effort to understand that this is simply part of being a child-that children do love both of their parents, and that any preferences they show are often fleeting. Let your children know that no matter what, both of their parents love them and enjoy spending time with them. Doing your part to reassure your children that their feelings are okay and that it is perfectly acceptable to share them is important.

• Let your children know that they are not to blame: During and following a divorce, many children find themselves feeling guilty. Even though it is very irrational, a child’s thought process often works this way. Children may wonder whether it was some misbehavior on their part or failure to obey rules, or some other action they took which led to the divorce. It is important to reassure your children at every possible moment that this was not the case. Let them know that the end of your marriage was a decision that you and your spouse made together-and that it has nothing to do with your children being at fault in any way. At the same time, reassure your children that there is nothing they can do to fix your marriage either after it has ended. It is often a tremendous burden on children to feel that they are somehow responsible for their parents’ emotions, and it can be freeing to know that they are free to simply be the children that they are. Eliminate any feelings of guilt as soon and as often as you can.

• Seek therapy and counselingfor your children if they need it: Sometimes, children, like adults, need outside help. This certainly doesn’t indicate any failure on your part as a parent. Sometimes, it is simply true that children, for any number of reasons, might need the help and assistance of a qualified professional counselor or therapistto work through their issues. Many counselors and therapists are specifically trained to deal with the emotional and behavioral issues that many children face following a divorce. Enlisting the help of these professionals to assist your child and working through their issues may be very helpful. If you feel this might be helpful for your child, we would encourage you to talk to family and friends who may have been through similar circumstances and seek out their recommendations, as well as to look for the helpful addendum in the back of this guide for potential references of therapists and family resource centers that may be able to help you.

• Enlist the help of other important people in your child’s life: While you know your own child best, and likely spend the most time with your child, this doesn’t mean that you can’t, or shouldn’t, enlist help from other important individuals in your child’s life. Coaches, teachers, and other family members who spend significant amounts of time with your child might be able to help keep you aware of any behavioral changes your child exhibits during this time of transition. It can also be helpful to reach out to these individuals just to let them know that at times your child might be a bit out of sorts at times, and to ask that they provide whatever additional support or encouragement that they can.

Contact Adkins Law to arrange a family law consultation with an experienced Huntersville child custody attorney. One of our Huntersville child custody lawyers can help guide you through your child custody matter.