Dealing with Domestic Violence in a Marriage

Its an unfortunate reality that domestic abuse exists in some relationships and marriages. In these situations, safety should be your first and foremost priority.  If you are in circumstances that are threatening and abusive, remaining in the marital home while you contemplate the divorce process is not only ill-advised – it is potentially very dangerous, for you and for your children. Always trust your instincts, and if you feel that you need to leave immediately, you should do so.

In a situation involving domestic abuse, it is critical to act first and contemplate matters later. If you are a victim of domestic abuse and are considering divorce, it can be very helpful to make a safety plan if you have the ability to do so.  If you are in imminent danger, of course you should leave immediately.  If you have time, however, taking the following steps can be helpful to protect yourself and your children:

• Secure yourself financially: Ensuring that you have cash and/or credit available which you can access easily when needed can be very helpful prior to leaving the home or beginning the divorce process.  Often, abusers attempt to control their partners by shutting off access to financial support in an attempt to make it difficult for the abused spouse to leave. Knowing that you will have access to means to support yourself can make the difference in feeling confident in the decision you need to make.

 

• Gather important documents: Some victims of abuse discover that after finally making the decision to leave the marital home, they feel unsafe going back.  If you feel that you need to leave an abusive situation and you have the chance gather documents that may be important to a future divorce case, it can be wise to do so.  This can include gathering documents like:
  • Copies of credit card bills;
  • Income tax forms;
  • Bank statements;
  • Insurance documents;
  • Mortgage statements;
  • Wills;
  • Documents pertaining to any investment accounts;
  • And any other information you believe is important.

Gathering this documentation can give you peace of mind, not to mention that it could be very helpful in a divorce case in the future.

• Gather contact information: If you feel at all worried that you may find yourself without anywhere safe to go, be certain to have a list of family and friends that you might be able to call on for help.  If you have no family and friends upon whom you can rely, it can also be helpful to remember that you can contact 911 or your local domestic violence shelter at any time. Many communities have safe shelters where victims of abuse can stay as they attempt to make long-term plans for a safer, more stable future.

If you find yourself in a situation involving domestic abuse, after securing your safety and the safety of your children, it can be helpful to think about how you might approach the divorce process itself.  Throughout this guide, we try to advocate cooperative divorce resolution methods – typically, the process proceeds more smoothly and is easier for all involved with the parties can work together toward solutions that are satisfactory for everyone. 

Unfortunately, however, in situations involving domestic violence, this sort of cooperative negotiation is simply not possible.  Throughout the divorce process, your primary emphasis should be on your safety, and on protecting your interests and those of your children.  Often, spouses who are controlling and abusive are difficult to negotiate with, and attempt to use the divorce process as a way to punish or prolong their control over the abused spouse. 

In those situations, it is important to retain the services of an attorney who understands some of the psychology involved in abusive relationships, and who can advocate for you in a way that will ultimately be effective in pursuing and protecting your interests. This may mean that methods of negotiation like mediation, or collaborative law may not work well in your particular set of circumstances – and that’s okay.  Allowing a court to resolve your issues may very well be the best solution, because it will provide the formal distance between you and your spouse that is necessary for your safety and for you to assert your rights without fear of manipulation or verbal abuse.  Regardless of how you choose to proceed with resolving the issues between you, it is important to have the services of a knowledgeable and experienced attorney on your side.

As a few final reminders on the subject of domestic abuse, before any other considerations, safety should come first.  As a victim of abuse, you should know that you are entitled to feel safe and to live a life free of intimidation and fear.  This may mean involving the authorities, if necessary.  If you, or your children are suffering from domestic abuse, do not hesitate to call the police if necessary.  You may need to file criminal assault charges, or obtain an emergency protective order or a restraining order.  Doing so is your right under the law, and it may be necessary.  Never hesitate to do what you need to do in order to best protect yourself and those you love.  This should always be your first priority.

​If you need to speak with an experienced family law attorney regarding domestic violence, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

Click here to call Adkins Law