We live in a “do-it-yourself” age, and the practice of law is no exception. There is, after all, so much information available online, that many make the assumption that they can learn all they need to know, and handle the divorce process for themselves. While it is understandable that some might make this assumption, it is an assumption that comes with many hidden costs and pitfalls. Often, people go into a do-it-yourself divorce process assuming they will save money and time, when in fact, doing so ends up costing them more of both. Even if your case may seem “simple” and as if you and your spouse may agree on many issues, it is far too easy to make mistakes that may come back to haunt you down the road. Some of the more common pitfalls of do-it-yourself divorce include:

• Overlooking key documentation: The number of “do-it-yourself” legal websites often give the impression that the legal process is easier than it actually is. While these services provide basic legal documents, they cannot offer you any legal advice, or engage in any negotiations on your behalf. Additionally, they cannot point out errors in your paperwork which may turn out to be quite costly, depending upon the circumstances. Often, you may not realize a mistake in your legal paperwork until it is too late. This could cause you to forfeit legal rights you may otherwise have had, and cleaning up after those mistakes can be expensive, stressful, and time-consuming.

 

• Misunderstanding court rules and procedures: If you choose to represent yourself, you will be required to know and follow the rules of court just as any attorney would do. You will not be able to seek help from the judge in your case, or from the court clerk, neither of whom are allowed to dispense legal advice.  As different local courts have different procedural rules, it can be difficult to learn and follow the rules for your jurisdiction in a short amount of time, and even if you do, you may have a misunderstanding that ends up ultimately being damaging to your case.

 

• Overlooking rights you may have under the law: The simple fact of the matter is that you are not going to understand the law as well as an attorney who has gone to school and practiced law for years in order to do so.  You may feel that you have learned a good deal by reading on your own, and it is possible that you have – but this does not mean that you might not overlook important rights that you have under the law, or that you might agree to something you are not legally required to agree to, without even realizing it.  Unfortunately, if you make these mistakes and you are not represented by an attorney, you are responsible for them, and for accepting whatever consequences they bring.

Ultimately, even if you feel that your divorce is “simple” in nature, and that you and your spouse agree upon all important issues, seeking the advice of a knowledgeable and experienced attorney will help to ensure that the process ultimately goes smoothly, and that you do not encounter any unexpected (and potentially costly) issues in the future. You may lose rights to valuable property and assets you would otherwise be entitled to, or end up paying more or getting less in alimony or support than you otherwise would, or losing a substantial amount of parenting time with your children – and those are only a few possibilities of many.

An attorney who is qualified and experienced in the practice of family law will be able to identify any issues you may have overlooked, point out any potential negative consequences of certain decisions, and advise you of what to expect throughout the divorce process. Contact Adkins Law to arrange a family law consultation with an experienced Huntersville divorce attorney. 

If you have thought it through and have ultimately decided that divorce is the best path forward for your family and your future, then you will soon have many decisions to make as you pursue this decision.  From telling your spouse and children to choosing an attorney and gathering important documents that will be necessary as your case proceeds, planning ahead is important.  While planning ahead will certainly not make your divorce proceedings stress-free, it will go a long way toward making them less stressful than they would otherwise be.  Planning ahead helps to you feel and be more prepared in many life situations, and divorce is no different.

BREAKING THE NEWS: TELLING YOUR SPOUSE AND CHILDREN

Telling Your Spouse

It goes without saying that there is no “easy” way to tell your spouse that you want a divorce – but there are certainly some ways to approach this conversation to make it better than it otherwise might be. First, it should be said that prior to having this conversation with your spouse, you should be very certain that it is a conversation you want to have. Sometimes, without truly thinking it through, one spouse might tell the other that they want a divorce as a way of getting their attention, or persuading their spouse to do something, or to stop doing something.  We would caution against this. It is harmful to your relationship if it is not what you truly want, and it may also damage your credibility in the future, when you truly do feel that divorce is the best option.
Once you have officially made the decision to proceed with divorce however, and you are certain that it is what you want, it is worth making every effort to ensure that a conversation which has the potential to be very uncomfortable and painful goes as smoothly as it possibly can.  Of course, every relationship, and every set of circumstances leading up to this conversation will be unique.  Ultimately, you know your spouse best, as well as the best time, place, and manner in which to have this conversation. Keeping that in mind, here are some helpful guidelines for making a difficult conversation slightly less so:

• Choose a good time and place to have the conversation: As with so many things in life, timing is important.  This is certainly true when having a conversation with your spouse about divorce. While there is certainly never an ideal time to tell your spouse that you want a divorce, making every effort to choose the appropriate time and place to have a conversation of this nature will likely make a significant difference in how the conversation ultimately goes. If you have children, it would be helpful to make arrangements for them to stay with a relative or a friend, so that you can have the conversation without interruptions. Choose a low-stress time to have the conversation – certainly, try to avoid choosing a time when your spouse is already upset or stressed out about something else. It is also important to make sure that you allow enough time to talk things through as thoroughly as you need to – it might take much longer than you expect it to.  Don’t begin the conversation at a time when you know you’ll have to hurry off to do something else.  You want to allow your spouse plenty of time to process the conversation and to address his or her feelings.

• Be gentle, but firm: It only makes sense that the tone you take at the beginning of the conversation will likely play an important role in shaping how the conversation ultimately goes.  If you begin the conversation in frustration, or if you are angry or blaming toward your spouse, your spouse will likely respond in kind.  On the other hand, if you are able to be firm about your decision, but kind in the way that you deliver it, your spouse will likely respond in a calmer fashion as well.  Be direct, and honest about your reasons for wanting the divorce, but also be compassionate.  Make every effort to imagine yourself in your spouse’s position. Doing so will go a long way in helping to deliver the news in the most non-confrontational way possible.

• Be prepared for and accepting of your spouse’s reaction: Though you may have been contemplating divorce for some time, your spouse might not have been.  In fact, the news might very well take your spouse completely off-guard.  If this is the case, your spouse may understandably become very emotional and upset.  Try to be understanding of these feelings and allow your spouse ample time and space to express them.  Try not to respond with anger or argument, but instead to be compassionate and understanding of the feelings your spouse may be experiencing.

• Ensure your safety:  If you feel that there is any chance at all that your spouse might become angry to the point of becoming violent upon hearing that you want a divorce, avoid telling your spouse at home where you could possibly be harmed.  Instead, consider telling your spouse in front of a therapist, or in a public place where you will be safe.  In the same vein, consider finding an alternative place to stay where you feel you will be safe after telling your spouse if you feel that you may be at risk.  Your safety and that of your children should always come first.

• Seek outside help if needed: It is understandable that after you’ve discussed and agreed upon divorce, both you and your spouse may be experiencing a wide range of emotions.  Often, that can make it difficult to communicate cooperatively with one another and to move forward in a peaceful way.  If you are experiencing communication difficulties, it may be helpful to seek the advice of a qualified counselor or therapist who can help the two of you work through these problems.  This can be particularly helpful if you have children, and you know that you will need to be communicating often in the future to work toward their best interests together.

While you will not entirely eliminate any emotional stress during a divorce conversation by taking these steps, they will make a difference in the overall tone of the conversation, and should help to make a painful situation more manageable for you, and for your spouse.  After telling your spouse, the two of you will want to decide, together, when and how it is best to tell your children.

Telling Your Children About Divorce

While divorce is certainly difficult for everyone, perhaps one of the hardest aspects is worrying about how it might affect your children.  Without question, a certain amount of pain and heartache is inevitable – any time that a family splits apart, this will be the case.  However, how you handle these matters with your children – both in the way that you talk to and interact with them, and in the way that you choose to interact with your spouse in the future – can make a significant difference in whether the overall impact of the divorce is negative or positive.

With that in mind, you and your spouse will of course need to decide together how you plan to approach the first conversation with your children when you tell them about your decision to divorce.  Of course, each family is unique.  You know your own children best, and are in the best position to determine how to break the news to them in a way that will be as emotionally healthy as possible.  Some guidelines to consider when doing so include:

• Timing is key: Without question, if you and your spouse are only still in the stages of contemplating divorce, it is best to keep it to yourselves until you have made a definite decision.  Uncertain circumstances are difficult for children, and living in limbo regarding a decision of that significance would be very difficult.  It is better to wait until you are sure that divorce is the best option for your family before initiating the conversation.

• Make sure everyone is present: It is usually best to tell your children when they are all together, and when both parents can be present as well. Even though you are divorcing, it is helpful and reassuring for your children to see that you can still cooperate and communicate in an amicable way with your spouse, and that the two of you can work together towards their best interests.  It also avoids the risk of one child telling the others before you do, and it gives the children the opportunity that they will need to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with both parents at once.

• Allow them time and room to express their feelings: Understandably, your children may experience any number of emotions upon hearing the news that their parents plan to divorce.  Some children may feel grief, others anger, or frustration, or confusion.  Still others may blame themselves, feeling as if they must have done something to cause their parents to want to divorce.  It is, of course important to reassure your children that the divorce was your decision entirely, and that nothing they did or didn’t do contributed to it. It is also important to acknowledge the validity of your children’s feelings – to let them know that whatever they feel is okay, and acceptable, and normal.  It is important to reassure them that both parents will be there for them during this time, and will help them to work through their feelings, whatever they may be.

• Answer questions, but spare the details: Many children will also have a number of questions upon hearing that their parents have decided to divorce.  This, too, is understandable. They will likely want to know why you are getting divorced – and in this case, it is best to answer broadly, without getting into the particular details of why you made the decision.  Often, the complex reasons behind a divorce are too mature for children to process in a healthy way, and less information on that front is better. In other cases, children may have more logistical questions – questions like, “Will I still be able to attend the same school?” or “Will we get to stay in our house?” or “Who will I spend Christmas with?”  All of these questions are reasonable and normal, and it is important to do your best to answer them, and to let your children know that whatever questions they may have in the future will be answered too.

• Tell your children prior to your actual separation: If possible, it is best to tell your children about your divorce prior to the time that one parent moves out of the house.  Certainly, this is not always possible, but it is ideal.  It would be unsettling for anyone to wake up one day and realize that one member of their family no longer lived in the home – it is no different for children.  This gives the children extra time to process the news and to anticipate the changes that are ahead.

• Tell your children’s teachers and other important figures as well: It can be a wise decision to tell your children’s teachers, coaches, or other important figures in their lives about the divorce as well.  Doing so gives those important people the opportunity to help you look out for your children’s best interests, to understand why your children may be more emotional than usual, and to notify you if any troubling behavioral changes are noticed.

• Make sure they know they are loved: Above all, it is important to reassure your children that even though your marriage may be ending, your family is not.  It is important for them to know that regardless of whether you and your spouse are married or not, you will always love them, and work together for their good.  Reassuring your children of this as often as possible will make an important difference in how they process and react to the divorce in the long run.

While telling your children about your divorce will certainly not be easy, the manner in which you do so is very important.  Take the time necessary to have a thorough conversation, and put ample thought into that conversation beforehand.  Stay calm, and make sure that both parents stay on the same page and remain committed to putting their emotional issues aside for the sake of their children’s well-being during this time. Doing so will make the divorce process easier for your entire family.

If you need to speak with an experienced Huntersville family law attorney, contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

As most of us well know, we live in a high-tech, digital world – a world which is becoming increasingly more so with each moment.  It is a world full of “smart” devices – smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions, even smart homes.  In so many ways, technology adds to our world.  We are more connected than ever, the pace of business moves faster, and we can receive our news and updates from family and friends across the globe in an instant. All of these things are wonderful. As with all wonderful things, however, there are downsides.  One of the downsides of technology, insofar as family law is concerned, is that it gives us the capacity to spy and eavesdrop on one another with greater ease than ever before. While people have always been able to spy on one another with more traditional methods like tracing, wiretapping, or hiring a private investigator, today’s technology makes it easier than ever before – and this can ultimately cause a number of problems for everyone involved.

Particularly in marriages that are already troubled, spying can be quite a temptation.  It’s natural to what to know what we don’t know, and this can be a particularly strong urge when we suspect that our spouse may be having an affair or hiding a bad habit from us. This desire is entirely understandable.  It is natural to hope to disprove our suspicions, or to be able to plan how we should take action if we find out that they are true.

While these feelings are understandable, and it is important to know that they should be resisted – for many reasons.  Choosing to spy on your spouse is not only an unhealthy behavior that encourages mistrust – in many cases, it is also illegal.  Many spouses who are emotionally stressed and desperate to find out the truth about their spouse so they can determine how to move forward unfortunately do not realize this or take it into account until it’s too late.

If you suspect that your spouse is, or may soon attempt to spy on you, or, alternatively, if you are thinking of spying on your spouse, you should contact an attorney immediately.  Engaging in illegal methods of spying could not only be devastating from an emotional standpoint – it could also expose you to serious legal liability, which is the last thing you need as you contemplate divorce.

What the Law Says About Spying 

Legally, from both a federal and state perspective, spying on your spouse is simply not a good idea. Indeed, both federal laws, and the laws of the state of North Carolina prohibit many commonly used methods of spying on one’s spouse. It is important to have a basic understanding of these laws in order to know what activities could potentially expose you – or your spouse – to liability.

The Electronic Communications Privacy Act and the Stored Wire and Electronic Communications Act are federal laws that apply to spying, and which are commonly referred to jointly as the Electronic Communications Privacy Act.  Initially enacted in 1968, these laws were created to ban wiretapping of telephone line, but have continually evolved with changing times.  Today, the law applies to such varied methods of digital communication as emails, cell phones, voicemails, text messaging, online chats, voiceover IP, and more.

Broadly speaking, the ECPA makes it illegal to record or eavesdrop on communications that your spouse makes without his or her consent.  This would include wiretapping phone lines, installing spyware on a spouse’s computer without their knowledge, “hacking” into your spouse’s email account, and other similar activities taken without the spouse’s knowledge for the purpose of intercepting their communications.

Certainly, if your spouse authorizes you to read or listen to their communications then legality is not a concern.  Unfortunately, however, what constitutes “authorization” can be somewhat of a gray area. These matters are best discussed with a knowledgeable and experienced attorney who understands the law and how it might apply to your particular circumstances, as courts decide these matters on a case-by-case basis. Generally, however, to determine whether your access to your spouse’s communications is likely to be considered “authorized” or not, is to ask yourself whether the actions you’re taking feel like an invasion of your spouse’s privacy.  If the answer is yes, it would be best to avoid taking them.

North Carolina has its own act that addresses the interception of wire, oral, or electronic communications, known as the North Carolina Electronic Surveillance Act.  This act addresses much of the same information as its federal counterpart, and makes it illegal to intercept your spouse’s communications – whether over the phone or electronically – without their consent. 

In addition to these laws, those who are considering spousal spying should also be aware that North Carolina recognizes several tort claims that are also applicable to activities like spying.  These causes of action are intended to protect privacy.  One of those is known as “Intrusion upon Seclusion,” which essentially means that invasion of privacy is recognized in North Carolina as grounds for a lawsuit.  In such a lawsuit, one spouse would assert that the other intentionally intruded into their private affairs, and that a reasonable person would find the intrusion highly offensive. 

In order for such a claim to be successful, the intrusion does not necessarily have to be a physical intrusion – certainly, it could include hacking into an email account or bugging a phone.  Physical intrusions qualify as well, however – placing a GPS tracking on a car without knowledge or permission, for example, might suffice to bring this type of claim as well.

North Carolina also recognizes other torts that could apply depending on the details of the situation, and consultation with an attorney to better understand the details of those laws would be a wise course of action.

Seek Legal Advice Before Spying

Without question, spying on a spouse can be tempting – particularly if you suspect your spouse of hiding hurtful or harmful behaviors. If you have reached a point in your marriage where you are seriously contemplating divorce, it is understandable to want to obtain information that will confirm or disprove your suspicions.  Certainly, in some situations, evidence of inappropriate behavior can be helpful to your case during divorce proceedings, as we’ll discuss later in this guide.  It is important to collect that information in the right way, though, and an attorney who understands the law can advise you as to how best to go about doing that in a legal manner. Consulting an attorney prior to taking any action that might be questionable or reflect poorly on you in a future divorce proceeding is always a wise decision, and we would encourage anyone contemplating spying to take that important step first. 

In essence, after all of the foregoing factors are considered, our advice to those who are contemplating divorce would be this: Truly take the time you need to think through your decision in the most thorough manner possible.  Divorce is a life-changing decision.  That’s not to say that it might not be the right one, but it is a decision that certainly should not be made in haste, or from a place of intense emotion that might later subside.  Truly think through your emotions, envision your future, and consider the practical realities of what divorce means.  As you’re doing so, be careful not to take other actions – spying, having affairs, or engaging in other behaviors – that might be detrimental to you in future divorce proceedings.  Doing so puts you on the best footing to go forward down whatever path you ultimately decide is best.

​If you need to speak with an experienced family law attorney, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

Criminal Conversation and Alienation of Affection Lawsuits

For those contemplating an affair, or who suspect that their spouse might be, it is important to realize that North Carolina law not only lists adultery as a criminal offense, but also has civil causes of action which can be brought against those who engage in affairs.  These lawsuits are called “criminal conversation” or “alienation of affection” actions, and allow one spouse to sue for damages based on allegations of emotional harm caused to the marital relationship by a third party.  These suits are usually brought by one spouse against the lover of the other spouse who had an affair, and in North Carolina, juries have awarded millions of dollars as a result of these lawsuits.

• Criminal Conversation: North Carolina is somewhat unique in recognizing “criminal conversation” as a basis for a lawsuit[1].  The term “criminal” can be confusing as it is actually a civil lawsuit, but essentially, the basis for this suit exists when two people are married and one of the spouses has sexual intercourse with a third person outside of the marriage.  In that circumstance, the spouse who did not have the affair can sue the third party for damages that they have experiences as a result of the third party’s actions.  This requires proving that:
  • A marriage existed between the plaintiff and his or her spouse; and
  • The third party named in the lawsuit engaged in sexual intercourse with the plaintiff’s spouse during the course of the marriage.

Understandably, it can often be difficult to prove that sexual intercourse actually occurred. As a result, in many of these situations, circumstantial evidence is accepted as proof. This essentially means proving that the spouse being charged with adultery had the opportunity and desire to engage in it.  One example of this might consist of proving that the spouse being charged and the third party booked a hotel room and spent several hours there together alone without the other spouse’s knowledge.  Though it is not actual proof that intercourse occurred, circumstantially, it might be considered sufficient.

• Alienation of Affection: Alienation of affection is a claim that is similar to criminal conversation, but different in that alienation of affection actually requires that the marriage itself ends as a result of the affect that the third party’s actions on the spouse who leaves the marriage, and does not require that actual sexual intercourse take place. It is a broader cause of action that focuses on whether or not the third party intentionally interfered with and attempted to destroy an otherwise happy marriage. Unlike a claim for criminal conversation, an alienation of affection claim can even be brought against an individual who has no love interest in the spouse – for example, an in-law or a friend who dislikes one spouse and is trying to undermine the marriage by encouraging divorce.  To establish a claim for alienation of affection, a plaintiff must prove:
  • That a happy marriage with love and affection existed between the spouses; and
  • That the love and affection which existed at the time of the defendant’s actions was destroyed as a result of those actions.

It is important to take the possibility of such lawsuits seriously.  Though they can be complex and require meeting a certain burden of proof, if successful, it is not unheard of for plaintiffs to receive jury awards in the amount of hundreds of thousands of dollars.  If you are contemplating an affair, or believe that your spouse might be, this is certainly important information to know and to keep in mind.

If you are considering cheating on your spouse, the possibility of your spouse bringing one of these lawsuits should the affair be discovered should give you pause.  If a relationship is meant to be, it ultimately will be – but waiting for the proper timing is best. Rushing into something that could not only have significant financial consequences, but that could also be used against you in a custody or alimony determination is simply not the best course of action.
On the other side of the coin, if you believe that your spouse had, or continues to have an affair, consulting with an attorney as to whether a lawsuit for criminal conversation might be an option in your circumstances a is wise decision.  It is certainly understandable to be hurt and angry if you feel that you have been betrayed by someone you love and who you believed loved you. 

Depending on the circumstances, however, it may not be worth the time, effort, and emotional expenditure that filing a lawsuit of this nature might require.  In many cases, defendants in these lawsuits are ultimately unable to pay the significant damages assessed against them – they simply don’t have the financial means.  In those situations, a spouse who feels hurt will have to decide if obtaining a judgement that will have little or no financial benefit is ultimately worth it.  Consulting with an attorney can be very helpful in making that decision, and is always advised.

If you need to speak with a family law attorney to learn more about separation, divorce, alienation of affection, and criminal conversation, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

[1] Only six other states – Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah also have laws allowing a spouse to sue for damages on the basis of emotional harm caused by a third party to the marriage.

Finding yourself in a difficult place in your marriage can be extremely difficult from an emotional perspective, particularly if you have been experiencing those difficulties for some time.  Depending upon the nature of your relationship and your troubles, it is entirely understandable that you might feel lonely, frustrated, and without true companionship.  No one wants to feel that way, and trying to get through the day while struggling with those feelings can understandably be stressful, draining, and discouraging. It is in these situations, where one or both spouses are struggling with emotional emptiness, that some find themselves more susceptible to becoming involved in affairs, or conversely, discover that their spouse is having an affair.

While affairs are ill-advised for any number of reasons, in North Carolina, they have very real and significant consequences from a legal perspective.  In North Carolina, adultery is actually a misdemeanor offense under the criminal code, though it is highly unlikely that a prosecutor would bring criminal charges for an affair. What is far more likely, however, is that adultery, if proven, could significantly impact many aspects of a divorce case – not only from a financial perspective, but also with respect to child custody and other matters of great importance to the parties, not to mention the fact that the spouse harmed by the affair could potentially bring a lawsuit for significant damages under North Carolina law. 

How Evidence of an Affair Can Impact Your Divorce Case

Ultimately, evidence of adultery can impact your divorce case in a variety of ways.  Some of the most significant include:

• Postseparation support and Alimony: In North Carolina, to qualify for postseparation support (think of this as “temporary alimony”), there must be a financially supporting spouse and a financially dependent spouse. Evidence of an affair can be a determination the judge can consider in determining whether to award postseparation support to the dependent spouse. If the dependent spouse cheated, the judge may decide not to award postseparation support; if, on the other hand, the supporting spouse cheated, the judge may enter an order for postseparation support. As for alimony, if the dependent spouse was involved in an extramarital affair, they will be barred from receiving an alimony award; if, on the other hand, the support spouse was involved in an extramarital affair, the dependent spouse may be guaranteed an award of alimony. In a nutshell, involvement in an affair can have a tremendous impact on whether or not alimony will be awarded. 

 

• Calling into question your fitness as a parent: Another significant consequence of adultery is that it can be used to call into question the cheating spouse’s fitness as a parent.  One spouse may argue to the court that it is not in the best interest of the child(ren) to be with the adulterous spouse, and it is certainly not unheard of for courts to give this factor significant weight in a custody determination.  Having an affair is simply not worth that risk.

 

• Impacting spousal support amounts and property distribution: In circumstances where alimony is a factor, the spouse entitled to alimony may receive a higher award as a penalty against the cheating spouse.  Moreover, if it can be definitively established that the cheating spouse used marital assets (such as money in a joint bank account or a credit card in the name of both spouses) to support the affair in any way, then the judge can decide to take the non-cheating spouse’s losses into account when distributing property.

 

• Opening the door to potential lawsuits: Under North Carolina law, parties who engage in affairs open the door for the spouse harmed by the affair to file a claim against the third party who engaged in the affair with the cheating spouse.  Juries have in fact awarded significant damages in such cases, and the possibility of such a lawsuit should be considered very seriously.

If you need to speak with an experienced divorce attorney, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

Its an unfortunate reality that domestic abuse exists in some relationships and marriages. In these situations, safety should be your first and foremost priority.  If you are in circumstances that are threatening and abusive, remaining in the marital home while you contemplate the divorce process is not only ill-advised – it is potentially very dangerous, for you and for your children. Always trust your instincts, and if you feel that you need to leave immediately, you should do so.

In a situation involving domestic abuse, it is critical to act first and contemplate matters later. If you are a victim of domestic abuse and are considering divorce, it can be very helpful to make a safety plan if you have the ability to do so.  If you are in imminent danger, of course you should leave immediately.  If you have time, however, taking the following steps can be helpful to protect yourself and your children:

• Secure yourself financially: Ensuring that you have cash and/or credit available which you can access easily when needed can be very helpful prior to leaving the home or beginning the divorce process.  Often, abusers attempt to control their partners by shutting off access to financial support in an attempt to make it difficult for the abused spouse to leave. Knowing that you will have access to means to support yourself can make the difference in feeling confident in the decision you need to make.

 

• Gather important documents: Some victims of abuse discover that after finally making the decision to leave the marital home, they feel unsafe going back.  If you feel that you need to leave an abusive situation and you have the chance gather documents that may be important to a future divorce case, it can be wise to do so.  This can include gathering documents like:
  • Copies of credit card bills;
  • Income tax forms;
  • Bank statements;
  • Insurance documents;
  • Mortgage statements;
  • Wills;
  • Documents pertaining to any investment accounts;
  • And any other information you believe is important.

Gathering this documentation can give you peace of mind, not to mention that it could be very helpful in a divorce case in the future.

• Gather contact information: If you feel at all worried that you may find yourself without anywhere safe to go, be certain to have a list of family and friends that you might be able to call on for help.  If you have no family and friends upon whom you can rely, it can also be helpful to remember that you can contact 911 or your local domestic violence shelter at any time. Many communities have safe shelters where victims of abuse can stay as they attempt to make long-term plans for a safer, more stable future.

If you find yourself in a situation involving domestic abuse, after securing your safety and the safety of your children, it can be helpful to think about how you might approach the divorce process itself.  Throughout this guide, we try to advocate cooperative divorce resolution methods – typically, the process proceeds more smoothly and is easier for all involved with the parties can work together toward solutions that are satisfactory for everyone. 

Unfortunately, however, in situations involving domestic violence, this sort of cooperative negotiation is simply not possible.  Throughout the divorce process, your primary emphasis should be on your safety, and on protecting your interests and those of your children.  Often, spouses who are controlling and abusive are difficult to negotiate with, and attempt to use the divorce process as a way to punish or prolong their control over the abused spouse. 

In those situations, it is important to retain the services of an attorney who understands some of the psychology involved in abusive relationships, and who can advocate for you in a way that will ultimately be effective in pursuing and protecting your interests. This may mean that methods of negotiation like mediation, or collaborative law may not work well in your particular set of circumstances – and that’s okay.  Allowing a court to resolve your issues may very well be the best solution, because it will provide the formal distance between you and your spouse that is necessary for your safety and for you to assert your rights without fear of manipulation or verbal abuse.  Regardless of how you choose to proceed with resolving the issues between you, it is important to have the services of a knowledgeable and experienced attorney on your side.

As a few final reminders on the subject of domestic abuse, before any other considerations, safety should come first.  As a victim of abuse, you should know that you are entitled to feel safe and to live a life free of intimidation and fear.  This may mean involving the authorities, if necessary.  If you, or your children are suffering from domestic abuse, do not hesitate to call the police if necessary.  You may need to file criminal assault charges, or obtain an emergency protective order or a restraining order.  Doing so is your right under the law, and it may be necessary.  Never hesitate to do what you need to do in order to best protect yourself and those you love.  This should always be your first priority.

​If you need to speak with an experienced family law attorney regarding domestic violence, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

Beyond simply contemplating and envisioning life as it would be after a divorce, some couples who are having ongoing difficulties in their marriage consider separating on a trial basis to actually try it out and experience that reality for themselves.  A trial separation is a decision made by couples to take some time apart prior to making the decision to divorce.  We would note that importantly, this is different from a legal separation, which is a decision made after a couple has definitively decided to divorce.

Often, it is difficult for some to envision what life might be like after a divorce, and a trial separation is a way to briefly experience that reality prior to definitively making a determination as to whether or not divorce is the best choice. Some couples may also see it as a helpful way to have some space from one another to reduce the intensity of the conflict between them while they work with a counselor in an attempt to decide whether to remain married or pursue a divorce.

While trial separations are a nice idea in theory, we would note that in the majority of situations, couples do not get back together after separating.  This may be because one person in the couple feels such a relief in their stress levels after separating that they don’t want to return to difficult emotional circumstances.  In other cases, couples who are already facing challenges in improving their relationship may find that they face even more challenges in doing so when they are apart.  After separating, couples may only see each other at counseling, and it is difficult to apply the skills and advice from counseling sessions when you are living apart.

Occasionally, some attorneys will suggest that a client who wants a divorce suggest a “trial separation” to the spouse that does not want the divorce as a way of making it easier to ultimately move forward with the divorce process.  While this may ultimately be effective in some circumstances, we believe and advise our clients that honesty is best.  Being deceitful at the outset of the divorce process sets a bad precedent, and can hurt your credibility for future negotiations with your spouse on important issues that matter. 

For those couples who do decide that going forward with a trial separation is best, and if both spouses agree, it can be a wise decision to put into writing the terms of your separation.  Consider matters like:

• Where each spouse will live;
• Which property (cars, material possessions, etc.) will go with the spouse who is leaving;
• How long the separation is planned to last;
• Who the children will primarily reside with during the separation;
• How bills and expenses will be paid during the separation; and
• Any other considerations which are important to you and your spouse.

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While putting your plans into writing is certainly not required for a legal separation, doing so can nevertheless be helpful in avoiding any issues that may potentially arise.

If you would like to discuss separation and divorce with a family law attorney, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

For many, when contemplating divorce, it is only natural to focus on the emotions you may be feeling, particularly if you have been having difficulty in your marriage for some time. While this is understandable, it’s also important not to focus entirely on your emotions during this time. It’s also important to really think through the practical ways that life might change after a divorce.  For many, this means making a thorough, honest assessment of your family’s financial situation.

A simple truth in today’s society is that many middle-class families spend as much, or in some cases, even a little more than they earn each month. Living paycheck to paycheck is a reality for a large portion of our population – and if you find yourself in that situation, you are certainly not alone.  Divorce can have a significant effect on a family’s financial situation, as when a couple divorces, their expenses understandably increase.  Beyond the cost of the divorce process itself, it is important to consider the fact that during separation and after divorce, instead of maintaining one household, the family is now maintaining two.  Two mortgages, two sets of utility bills, two sets of property insurance bills- all of these things add up quickly – and though expenses have increased, the salary of each spouse often remains the same. 

While this doesn’t necessarily mean that divorce is the wrong choice for your family, it is certainly worth considering all of its implications.  It may mean downsizing to a smaller home, reducing costly leisure activities, or that a stay-at-home spouse returns to work in order to make ends meet.  Prior to deciding upon divorce, thinking these matters through is important. If you find yourself genuinely contemplating divorce, it is important to try your best to be financially savvy about the choices you make leading up to, and throughout the divorce process. Some of those steps can include:

• Tracking your income and expenses carefully.  This includes anything you might regularly spend money on – not only big expenses like your mortgage, car, or credit card payments, but also smaller, routine expenses like utility bills, activities, grocery bills, clothing, transportation expenses, child care expenses, and more. 

 

• Keeping non-routine expenses in mind as well – things like vacations, charitable contributions, home repairs, and other expenses you anticipate might arise from time to time.  Though not necessarily monthly expenses, they do add up, and are important to consider when envisioning a post-divorce budget.

 

• Beginning to collect important financial documentation.  Know what you have – both in assets, and in debt. All too often, we encounter couples in a situation where one spouse is primarily responsible for maintaining the family finances, and the other spouse is generally in the dark about important financial matters.  It is important to take steps to be well informed and to understand your finances in order to adequately prepare for the future. Documents that can be helpful to gather include:

 

1. Income tax returns;
2. Financial records (including bank statements and loan information);
3. Investment account statements;
4. Paystubs;
5. Pension plan information;
6. Information pertaining to retirement savings accounts;
7. Information pertaining to any children’s savings accounts or college funds;
8. Records of any outstanding loans;
9. Social security statements; and
10. Wills, trusts, or other legal documents that may affect your finances or are otherwise important to you.

Tracking your expenses, obtaining important financial documentation, and understanding your overall financial picture will be helpful in anticipating future expenses as you think of moving from one household to two. It could also serve as a helpful way for your attorney, and potentially a judge, to decide how best to divide assets and debts your divorce case, as well as to make important determinations on matters like alimony and child support, among others.

It should also be noted that the financial aspects of the divorce process can be among the most stressful and the most contentious. Unfortunately, it is not unheard of for one spouse, out of anger or a desire for revenge to try to hurt or control the other financially. Even though it may seem highly unlikely to you that your spouse might ever behave in these ways, it is important to keep in mind that divorce can cause people to act in very uncharacteristic ways.  Some spouses try to restrict the other spouse’s access to funds, empty bank accounts, or make expensive purchases that they would not otherwise make in an attempt to harm the other spouse.  As a result, it is important to be prepared for this possibility, and to make sure that you have adequate access to funds prior to and throughout the divorce process, should you need them. 

Even if you have not definitively made the decision to proceed with divorce, it would still be a wise step to consult with a knowledgeable and experienced divorce attorney regarding how divorce might affect your financial situation, and how you can adequately prepare financially prior to beginning the process.  If you suspect that your spouse may hide or deplete marital assets or otherwise try to control you from a financial perspective, it is important to also mention this to your attorney if you have one. 

Your attorney should be able to help advise you as to measures you can take to protect yourself financially during this time.  Some people also choose to consult with a certified divorce financial analyst.  These professionals specialize in reviewing a couple’s finances during the divorce process. A qualified analyst can help you to gain a more realistic picture of your expenses and your budget, in addition to planning for what your financial future might look like.

If you would like to speak with a family law attorney regarding separation and divorce, please contact Adkins Law to arrange a consultation. 

It’s a simple truth that divorce is one of the biggest life decisions that one can make. While we are here to help families through divorce, and while divorce absolutely is the best decision for some families, we also believe that it is not a decision to be taken lightly. Those who are contemplating divorce should take the time to do exactly that – truly contemplate it. Explore your emotions, think through your feelings, and envision your future as it might be post-divorce.  Carefully assess the implications of your decision, and make sure you have made the efforts you feel that you should make to save your marriage. Doing so ultimately provides far more peace of mind than making a spontaneous decision, regardless of which path you choose. In that spirit, we offer some guidance on what to contemplate when you’re contemplating divorce. 

• EXPLORING YOUR EMOTIONS

If you have reached a place in your marriage and your life where you are seriously contemplating divorce, chances are high that you are likely under some amount of emotional stress.  This is understandable. The decision to get married is one of the most momentous decisions in life, and the decision to divorce, almost equally so.  During this time, be patient with yourself.  Don’t rush into any hasty decisions, and be kind and compassionate with yourself, and with your spouse.  Take all the time that you need to really think through your decisions. Take a long, hard look at your marriage – not only its difficulties, but its positive attributes as well.  Look toward the future, and really try to envision what it might be like after your marriage ends – financially, emotionally, and practically.  

Stepping back from the stress of the moment and taking a thorough emotional inventory can be immensely helpful.  It can be understandable, when you find yourself in an unhappy place in your marriage to assume that you have only two choices – stay unhappy, or obtain a divorce. In fact, however, there are viable alternatives.  A simple truth is that while divorce may remove some stresses, it does create others. There may be added financial stressors, conflicts over child custody, and other difficulties that arise during and after the divorce process that are worth thoroughly considering.  After doing so, some people decide that despite feelings of disappointment or anger, their marriage is worth saving. Only you and your spouse can ultimately make that determination, but it is very important to thoroughly think through your feelings before doing so. 

• ENVISIONING THE FUTURE

If you are contemplating divorce, it can also be helpful to truly take the necessary time to envision your future and what it might be like without your spouse.  Certainly, divorce will have many effects, not only for you and for your spouse personally, but also on your lifestyle, and certainly for your children.  Major life changes can be difficult for all of us, but this is often especially the case for children. Think through what this change might mean for everyone – from an emotional and a practical perspective.  How might it change your day-to-day routines? How might it affect where you live, and where your children go to school? Will you be able to remain in the marital home, or will you need to downsize?  What might this mean from a practical perspective for your children and their day-to-day activities? Do you have a strong support network of friends, or family that might be able to help you when needed?  While these considerations should certainly not serve as the sole basis for any decision you make, they are certainly important to think about as you’re trying to look objectively at the whole picture.

Having an objective realistic long-term view of what might be best in your particular situation can be difficult when you are in the midst of emotional turmoil and feel particularly sad or angry.  For this reason, it is vital to take the time that you need to truly contemplate divorce and what it means, as well as your marriage, and whether or not you believe it can be saved. Don’t hesitate to seek counseling, or assistance from supportive family and friends as you work through your feelings and think through what you need and want for your future. Doing so is worth your time, and likely to result in a feeling of greater peace about whatever decision you ultimately make.

• SEEKING MARRIAGE COUNSELING

 
Why Marriage Counseling?
 
Some marriage counseling statistics indicate that only 10% of couples seek marriage counseling prior to making the decision to divorce.  We believe that this number should be much, much higher.  Marriage counseling is often extremely helpful to couples who want to find healthy ways to work through their issues and difficulties in a safe space.  Sometimes, even when we have the best of intentions toward resolving a problem or issue in an amicable way, our emotions can get the best of us, and it can be difficult to remain objective.  A marriage counselor often provides couples with a place to safely address the problems they are facing with the help of an objective third party who can listen and, ideally, offer practical advice and potential solutions. 
 
Certainly, most of us realize that counseling is not some sort of easy, magical solution to all of our problems, and the reality is that not every couple who goes to counseling will ultimately save their marriage. Nevertheless, there are still a number of good reasons to give counseling a fair try.  These include: 
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• Mental Clarity: Often, in the midst of stressful emotional circumstances, it can be difficult to see clearly. Having a safe place to openly and honestly discuss your issues in front of an objective third party can provide much-needed clarity and help couples move toward resolution of difficult issues. Sometimes, doing so can make all the difference in moving toward a healthier place in your marriage. 

 

• Learning Better Communication Skills: A skilled marital therapist will be well-versed in the art of healthy communication. Often, couples have difficulty overcoming their problems because they simply lack the conflict-resolution tools necessary to do so.  A trained therapist will help couples learn how to talk and communicate with one another in a healthy way. Ultimately, even if marriage counseling fails to save your marriage, these healthy communication skills are useful even for the post-divorce relationship that you will necessarily have with your spouse if you have children together.

 

• Peace of Mind: Certainly, some couples attempt marriage counseling and after doing so, decide that their marriage can be saved, and that they want to continue to work on it together. Other couples complete counseling and end up feeling the opposite – they realize that ending the marriage is the best solution for their particular situation.  Whatever choice is ultimately made, however, counseling provides the peace of mind in knowing that the decision arrived at was for the best, and was not reached without thoroughly considering all of the options. 

For these reasons and many others, marriage counseling can be immensely helpful for those contemplating divorce. Choosing the right therapist to guide you through that process is, therefore, very important. 

How to Choose a Marital Therapist
 
It goes without saying that making the decision as to whether or not you will ultimately seek a divorce is one of the most important decisions you will make.  Understandably, then, if you have decided to pursue marriage counseling prior to making that decision, you want to find a marriage therapist who is well-qualified and a good fit to help you work through your feelings. How can you go about doing this?  A few helpful guidelines for making this important decision include the following: 

• Do Your Research: As is true of many important decisions, when choosing a marital therapist, thorough research is key. It is important to make sure that the marriage therapist you choose is actually trained in marriage therapy.  That may sound obvious, but all too often, therapists claim that they have experience in marriage therapy simply because they have, at times, had two people sitting in their office at once, discussing their problems.  In fact, however, marital therapy requires specific and extensive training.  In individual therapy sessions, therapists often help clients assess their feelings and determine their goals – important work to be sure.  Marital therapy also requires assessing feelings and determining goals, but additionally, it requires being skilled at giving people the tools to work together towards overcoming their differences. Don’t be afraid to ask a potential therapist about his or her education, credentials, and experience, or what percentage of the therapist’s practice is focused on marriage counseling. These things will make an important difference in the quality of the counseling you receive. 

 

• Ask Around: Quite often, one of the best ways to find a therapist that is a good fit for you and your spouse is to ask those who know you best.  Those who know you, and those who have been through situations similar to yours, can often provide the best advice and recommendations to point you toward a therapist who may be helpful.  Don’t be shy to ask for help – most friends are happy to provide it. 

 

• Talk with More Than One Potential Therapist: It is not at all uncommon when completing a simple home project to talk with multiple contractors.  We get different ideas, different bids, and different recommendations, and we assess our options before making a choice.  Why should it be any different with a marriage therapist?  Unquestionably, marriage is far more important than any home remodeling project. Surprisingly, however, many people make the mistake of choosing the first therapist they speak to.  Sometimes, this is successful, but more often than not, it isn’t.  As is the case with hiring any professional, not all therapists will be a good fit for your personality or communication style.  It’s important to take your time to talk to as many therapists as you feel that you need to in order to find the best fit for you. 

In addition to taking these important steps, getting a head-start at looking through lists of qualified therapists online can also be helpful.  The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) is the most well-known professional association for marriage therapists.  Membership requires a minimum of a master’s degree, as well as specific graduate training in marriage and family therapy under the supervision of qualified and experienced therapists.  Those who are looking for a credentialed therapist can look on the AAMFT website (https://www.aamft.org), as well as asking friends, family members, or their attorney for recommendations of qualified professionals in their area.
 
While all of these steps are important in selecting a therapist that is a good fit for your needs, looking at practical information is important too.  Don’t hesitate to ask potential therapists about their fees, what insurance they accept, and the average length of therapy.  Knowing these facts is also important to making an informed decision. 
 
In the end, it is most important to trust your instincts when choosing a counselor.  Choose someone with whom you feel that you and your spouse can openly share your thoughts and feelings, and to whom you can speak honestly and frankly.  Additionally, make a commitment to give therapy a fair effort.  Many couples who commit to going to therapy for a specific number of sessions often have more success than those who do not. It is also important to commit to fully focusing on your marriage during this time.  Don’t begin new relationships, or make other decisions that may cause added stress to your marriage.  Be fully present, and fully involved.  If you are making the investment in counseling, commit to doing the necessary work to making your investment count. 

If are considering divorce and need to speak to a family law attorney to understand your rights and options, please contact Adkins Law PLLC.

​The term alimony comes from the Scottish legal concept of aliment, which required a husband to provide for his wife her lodging, food, clothing, and necessities in the event they divorced. In North Carolina, alimony has evolved into monetary payments that may be paid from a supporting spouse to a dependent spouse. To have a valid claim for alimony, you must have a supporting / dependent relationship.
 
A supporting spouse is defined as a spouse upon whom the other spouse is actually substantially dependent for maintenance and support or from whom such spouse is substantially in need of maintenance and support. A dependent spouse is defined as a spouse who is actually substantially dependent upon the other spouse for his or her maintenance and support or is substantially in need of maintenance and support from the other spouse. A wife, for example, who earns $150,000.00 per year, would be a supporting spouse over a husband who stays at home to keep the children. A husband, for example, who earns $175,000.00 per year would be a supporting spouse over a wife who earns $40,000.00 per year.
 
It is important to note that affairs play into alimony by either barring or guaranteeing that alimony is awarded. If a dependent spouse participates in an act of illicit sexual behavior (sleeps with someone other than their spouse) during the period of marriage, the dependent spouse is barred from being awarded alimony. If the supporting spouse participates in an act of illicit sexual behavior during the period of marriage, the court shall order that alimony be paid to the dependent spouse. If both parties participated in illicit sexual behavior, alimony shall either be denied or awarded at the discretion of the court after consideration of all the circumstances. Sexual acts that occur a day after the date of separation are not acts that would bar or guarantee alimony.
 
How much alimony am I entitled to? How long will I receive alimony? Unlike child support, there is no calculator to determine an alimony amount or duration in North Carolina. Instead, the court considers a number of factors including the length of marriage, the reasonable needs of the spouses, the ability of one spouse to pay alimony, the dependent spouse’s standard of living, the dependent spouse’s educational background, and whether there was any marital misconduct during the marriage. Generally, longer marriages result in alimony award of longer durations; people who are high income earners will usually pay a higher amount than people with modest incomes.
 
If you would like to speak to an experienced family law attorney regarding alimony, please contact Adkins Law and we can arrange a consultation.