How Do I Cope with Divorce?

​Without question, worrying about your children and making the time and effort to ensure that they are taken care of and provided for throughout the divorce process and after should be one of your primary concerns as a parent.  However, it is also important to remember that in the midst of caring for your children, you also shouldn’t forget to care for yourself.  After all, it can be hard to fill others up when you are feeling empty yourself.  Sometimes, people can have a tendency to neglect self-care or put it in the back burner following a divorce, feeling that there are simply more important things deserving of their time.  We would argue against this misconception, and would encourage you to remember that when you feel better, and when you have more energy, you are better able to meet the challenges of each day, and to care for those you love.

• Give yourself time and space to grieve: Even if ending your marriage is ultimately the best choice, this doesn’t mean that you aren’t closing a chapter of your life that meant a great deal to you.  It’s important to recognize this fact – to acknowledge the happy times you shared that you will miss, and to realize that any feelings of sadness or regret you may feel over the ending of your marital relationship ending are normal and understandable.  It’s important to recognize your feelings, and to give yourself the time that you need to process them, so that you can begin to move forward toward your next chapter in a healthy way.

 

• Seek counseling if you need it: Often, we resist seeking help from others because we assume that we should be “strong enough” to handle our emotions, or the realities of a difficult situation on our own.  In truth, though, we are often stronger when we allow others to assist us.  Particularly after a huge, life-changing event like a divorce, it can be extremely helpful to talk to a trained mental health professional that can help you work through your emotions about everything that has happened, as well as any emotions you may have about what lies ahead in the future. While it may take some trial and error to find exactly the right mental health professional to suit your personality and your particular needs, there are likely many qualified individuals in your area. Don’t hesitate to ask around to friends and family who have also been through a divorce if they have any recommendations, or to seek out recommendations in divorce or singles support groups that you may attend as well.  Making the effort will be well worth it – counseling is always a sound investment in yourself, your future, and ultimately, in your family.  When you are at your healthiest, you are better able to care for those you love.

 

• Eat a healthy diet and get plenty of rest: Some sayings become clichés because they are true, and “You are what you eat” is one of them. Certainly, it is understandable, during times when you feel stressed out and emotional, to want to turn to foods that are comforting. And the truth is that many things, even unhealthy foods, are fine in moderation - there’s nothing wrong with having that bowl of ice cream that you really want and enjoy every now and then. It does become a problem, however, when you find yourself turning to junk food regularly to help yourself feel better, or when you’re simply eating an unhealthy diet because you’re in a rush or you don’t want to find the time to make a healthy meal. Particularly after a divorce, as you try to navigate single parenthood and many different life transitions, it is understandable to feel short on time. Try when you can though, to devote time to planning ahead for healthy meals that provide your body with the fuel and nutrients that it needs to feel and function at its best. This may mean investing in a meal-planning service temporarily.  It may mean using a weekend afternoon to meal plan and prep for the week, so that you have healthy options when you need them. When you make the necessary time to eat a healthy diet, you will have more energy to tackle the challenges of your day.  Your mood will likely also be better, and you will feel stronger and better generally. It’s worth the effort. The same is true of a healthy night’s sleep. Don’t skimp on getting the rest that you need. A well-rested person is a person better able to handle the stress that life can bring. You are doing no favors to yourself or the people you love by depriving yourself of the sleep that you need.

 

• Exercise: Certainly, no one is expecting you to take up a vigorous exercise routine following a stressful life event like a divorce. You don’t need to go out and sign up for a marathon, or an Ironman by any means. But it can be helpful to simply find an activity that you enjoy-be it walking in a nearby park, swimming laps at your local YMCA, going on a jog with a friend, taking up hiking-whatever it might be that you enjoy and can get your body moving can be very helpful for you. As many of us know, exercise causes our body to release helpful “feel-good” chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins help to boost our mood and our outlook on the day, and give us much needed energy to tackle whatever the day may bring. This is not to mention that exercise is great for your heart, for your brain, and for the rest of your body as well. It doesn’t need to be a long time-even 20 or 30 minutes several times a week will be beneficial. Make the time for yourself - you won’t regret it.

 

• Try a new hobby: Many people seem to think that the time immediately following a divorce isn’t the time to pick up a new hobby or activity-but in fact it can be the perfect time. Finding the time to invest in an activity that you have long enjoyed, or to try a new one can be very beneficial in a number of ways. You can take your mind off of the things that are causing you stress and making you feel emotional, for one. It can also be an excellent way to meet new people and make new friends. A hobby can give you something to look forward to and something to do that you enjoy in the times when you might feel lonely. You may even want to join a group in your area where people are interested in the same things you are, and give it a try. Whether it is photography, collecting, painting, cooking – whatever your interests there are likely other people that share those interest too.  Making new friends and exploring those new interests is a great way to help yourself feel better and stay busy.

 

• Avoid turning to substances: For many, a glass of wine in the evening or a cold beer out on a Friday night with friends might help to unwind.  And for many, this is entirely acceptable.  Those who have recently gone through an emotionally stressful and overwhelming event like a divorce, however, need to be careful with substances.  While they may be fine in moderation, it is important to be aware of your substance use, and to be certain that you are not coming to rely too much on substances to manage your emotions, or to make it through your day.  If you find that this is becoming the case, don’t hesitate for a moment to reach out to people and support groups that may be able to help you.  While substance use may provide short-term relief, it is never a long-term solution to your issues.

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